We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
