I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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