I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
