Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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