yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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