Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
