Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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