oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There's always time for handjobs
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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