his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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