Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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