So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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