you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
