I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
