Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
