I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
