Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
