as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
