I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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