how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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