Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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