even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
