at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
