He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
