If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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