I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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