a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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