remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
