last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
