I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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