i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
