I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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