My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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