My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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