Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
