So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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