So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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