So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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