I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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