I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
