I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
