Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
