My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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