That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
