brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
