He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
