Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
im having a threesome with these popsicles
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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