Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
