when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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