Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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