peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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