I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
