Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm like, not good at living.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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