she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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