I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
