dude i'm inner monologue high
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
