Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
