i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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