So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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