I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
