I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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