yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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