i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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