Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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