don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is the high leading the old right now
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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