shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
