You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
